i feel like ali, when im sober. / relapse

part four of the seven part series: man promises, God disposes

i feel like ali, when im sober.


i’m clear-headed.
i stand in front of God,
confess my sins proudly.
one soul.
sober in a storm of smoke,
ain’t that godbody?
no vices to blur it,
no smoke to obscure it.
sobriety, my superpower.
no disguise, no high.
just me…
and everything i used to run from
standin’ eye to eye.

this the first time i loved and lost
without poison in my system.
no liquor lullabies,
no nights i forget on purpose.
this heartbreak hit raw,
like it skipped my chest
and went straight to my nervous.

and still—
i didn’t spiral.
didn’t text nobody just to feel alive,
didn’t scroll through the past tryna make it survive.
i just sat.
with the ache.
with the shaking.
with the silence.
and for once—
the pain didn’t kill me,
it built me.

this the clearest i’ve been
since christmas eve.
cold floor.
blurry calls.
empty breath in an attempt to end it all.
i ain’t think i’d make it to 25.
now i’m here at peace,
clean,
and alive.

but still.
some nights try to take me back.
chronic kidney disease
make every sunrise feel like a test.
ulcers in my gut
got me throwin’ up blood
in gas station bathrooms
and hotel tubs.
i done spent full nights
on cold restroom floors,
back against the wall,
head next to a toilet
like it was my only friend in the world.

sometimes i cried,
sometimes i prayed,
sometimes i did both
at the exact same time.

those were the nights
i needed a voice,
a hand,
a familiar sound…
but the one i wanted to call the most
never came around.
so i leaned on God
like He was all i had left—
and maybe, just maybe,
He was.

and now?
i’ve been fasting.
not just food,
but everything that don’t serve my spirit.
everybody that speak love
but move with fear in it.
this the first time in years
i ain’t cravin’ a body
just to feel like mine made sense.
i ain’t lookin’ to date.
not runnin’ to nobody’s arms
just to dodge my fate.

i hike now
when the weight gets too loud.
sunseeker,
soft-shouldered with the sky,
askin’ it questions
it don’t always answer
but always respects.

and i’m accountable now.
even when it ain’t my fault,
i still own the healing.
because maybe i ain’t cause the pain,
but i’m the one still feelin’ it.
so i clean it.
no shortcuts.
no sidesteps.
just mirrors.
and mercy.

i been workin’ the hardest job of my life:
forgiving the version of me
who survived however he could.
and he did what he had to.
but now i do what’s holy.

i’m breakin’ generational curses
barehanded.
rewritin’ patterns
that never made room for soft.
i ain’t lookin’ to date,
ain’t chasin’ no fantasy,
ain’t tryin’ to be wanted,
i just wanna be free.

some days,
that freedom feel like sweat
drippin’ down a trail in peru.
some days,
it’s a prayer whispered
between tears on a bathroom tile
when my stomach turns inside out
and there’s no one but God
to hold me upright.

but i keep goin’.
keep breathin’.
keep believing.

and yeah,
i feel like muhammad ali
on the days i don’t flinch.
on the days i rise with a swollen face
but still dance in the ring with my guilt.
float like every moment that tried to silence me,
sting like every truth that finally set me free.

this sobriety?
this clarity?
this brutal, beautiful reckoning?

it’s God.
it’s grace.
it’s pain wrapped in purpose.
it’s me.
unmasked.
unshaken.
undeniably…
the greatest i’ve ever been.

---

relapse 


i relapsed in europe
didn’t hide it
didn’t feel bad about it either
sometimes the only way out
feels like going deeper in

i wanted to talk about it
but the words don’t come when i need ‘em
they stay buried in my chest
and wait for someone else to go first

i wonder if my friends are tired of my voice
tired of watching me fall in slow motion
calling it growth
checking in
just to hear the same pain
wrapped in a different day

i wonder if she ever loved me
or just loved the idea
i wonder if i was ever really enough
or just easy to believe in for a little while

i wonder if it’s my fault
that my people keep dying
or getting locked away
and i’m still here
asking questions no one wants to answer

i’ve been quiet for too long
but i’m tired of running
even if it hurts to tell the truth
i won’t lie about how i feel

if i can’t fix me
maybe these words will land
somewhere softer
for someone who needs ‘em more than i do

if i wake up and breathe
that’s enough for today
if i pour a drink and smile
that’s not weakness—it’s survival

no tears left
nothing to drain
just weight i carry
and peace i fake

my heart don’t break like it used to
but it still beats
it still tries
even when i don’t

if i laugh too loud,
join me.
if i dance, even when i’m off-beat,
just let me be.
i’m still here, 
still saying what i can.

i’ve got a lot inside
but most days,
i still can’t find the words.

---

“s@tan arousing the rebel angel” by william blake. like always, don’t sue me gang.